I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize