my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
