All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize