I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
