Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
