omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
