just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
