My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
