Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
