I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
