The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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