Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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