Can Purell be used as lube?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
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