I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You may now shotgun with the bride
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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