Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
