Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
