Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
