If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
