please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
