I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
