Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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