i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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