Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
