dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
