We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
