I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
