Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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