wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
