You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
