why didn't you poke me back
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
