Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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