I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
