I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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