looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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