so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
