i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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