i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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