that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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