are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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