I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
