in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Randomize
