just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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