Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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