I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
