is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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