nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
