I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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