she woke up with a sticky ear
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
