guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
