the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize