I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
