Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
