Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
