Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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