and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
