i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
