Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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